I still have notebooks from when I was a little girl. They’re filled with poems and short stories. And a million diaries with the first 20 pages dedicatedly filled out, then tragically blank for the remainder of each year. I got really serious about journaling after I graduated from college.
That August I packed up my little red Civic and drove across the country to California, my only goal was to write about the adventures I was sure to have. What no one but my journal knew was that I’d actually been planning on moving to New York. I didn’t even remember that until I cracked that particular notebook open today to look back.
Our lives are made up of one decision after the next. Even when we know we’re making momentous choices, we can’t really have any idea about how they will resonate over the years. It helps to keep track.
I didn’t last long in California. I went back on the road for a while, stopping in Colorado, eventually ending back up in Virginia where I’d gone to school. Then my adventures really began. I made a lot of momentous choices in the following year. Decisions I still go back to as I unravel my own story. Each time, I write a little more regret out of it. That was 20 years ago.
I used to look back on the person I was then and see a hot mess. Now I see someone who was deeply feeling, incredibly aware, and unequipped to be those things in a world that asks us, womxn in particular, to shield our eyes and silence our voices.
If you looked back on your journal from 20, 10, 5 years ago, what version of yourself would you see? If she could glimpse into the future at you today, what would she think?
Twenty years ago me would probably tell me I should have gone to New York. She was really judgmental. She’d be shocked that I own a house in the middle of nowhere, have a 401k, have kids. She’d actually be generally amazed I was still alive. She’d be proud of me. (Whew! Putting that to the page is making me a little emotional!) She’d still see herself in me - that sparkly-eyed rebel - and how much stronger I’ve gotten since. She would not be surprised I still can’t cook. She’d think I did pretty okay on still having adventures.
Your writing prompt is to look back on yourself during a specific moment in time.
If you’ve got an old journal from then, pull a line or thought from there as a starting point. As you write, describe the person you’re looking back on. Then, have her describe you.
Ten years ago, I was the kind of person who…
Ten years ago me would see me today as…