Subtle ways to stop compromising while you’re working for The Man
Like a succulent in sunlight, the patriarchy thrives in corporate America, which sucks because that’s where a lot of bright, talented feminist women are just trying to earn an honest living. But in between getting shit done and taking care of other people, they’re being subjected to inappropriate employee personality training and nonsense performance reviews while still receiving lower salaries than their white male peers. Sound familiar?
If you’re tired of constantly compromising, but speaking up all the time is exhausting, and you don’t really think much will change anyway, allow me to introduce you to the fine art of Patriarchy Undermining. There are all kinds of reasons why you might not be able to just bounce from your career to make macrame planters, but that doesn’t mean you can’t bring a little more patriarchy-smashing energy to your every day.
I know you might be thinking, “Liza, that sounds too intense for me. No thanks.” But, you can select a path that is nothing but nice and it still works.
The patriarchy isn’t a person or a group of people, it’s a system - like the environment is a system. There are all kinds of dependencies and underlying processes in place all over the place, but the main gist is to commodify people. One of the reasons it’s hard to feel like we’re making positive change is because we tend to look at the system as One Big Thing. How could just one you have an impact on taking down that Big Thing? That’s hard to imagine. But what’s easier to envision is changing the parts of the system that are closest to you. Starting with how you view, talk to, and treat yourself and the people around you, and the rules you follow.
And corporate America has tons of ridiculous rules, with as many unwritten as there are official. Patriarchy Undermining is about breaking the ones that are the most harmful and ridiculous, and creating positive ripple effects starting with your little spot in the system.
Rule: Women are less valuable
We have evidence of this rule in the gender pay gap, the endless conversations about imposter syndrome, lack of representation in leadership - big systemic evidence. It’s also happening to you, and members of your team, right now. That’s where the evidence is coming from!
How to undermine it:
Ask for more money every time you get more responsibility. (I once had a boss who acted surprised every time I asked for a raise. It was annoying, but I also always got the raise.)
Fight for raises for members of your team.
Talk about your salary with peers.
Rule: Don’t rock the boat
Oh, there’s no real harm in a little boat rocking. You’re not tipping it over, just startling the passengers a bit. The rules of professionalism are all about conformity, so it also doesn’t take much to get the boat rocking in the first place. And it’s those surprise jolts of change that sometimes make the most impact.
How to undermine it:
Call things out - when something is sexist or racist, from a passing comment to a policy, say “that’s sexist!” (And when someone tries to counter argue “reverse racism/sexism,” remind them power, not prejudice, is the point.) Do it publicly, do it privately, practice pointing it out with people you trust first, just start acknowledging it when it happens.
Amplify others - take up space repeating and appreciating smart things women, and other underrepresented people, say. Make sure they’re given appropriate credit for their contributions and ideas. When Mark says what Padma just said, you say, “Yes, that was the point Padma just made.” It feels amazing, guaranteed.
Rule: Human resources policies are made in your best interest
Ummmm. The fact that it’s called “human resources” to begin with is a pretty good tip off that’s not entirely true. There’s no need to go full anarchy, and policies and structure can be useful starting off points for conversations about true equity and care, but as well-intentioned as the people in those positions might be, the whole system - HR included - is about productivity, not your well-being.
How to undermine it:
Break stupid HR rules - encourage days off, use non-refundable sick time for vacations, do non-work things during work hours, track progress instead of presence.
Submit push back on policies that don’t work in writing and cc people.
Look for like-minded allies, or external coaches or advisors, to problem solve interpersonal challenges with instead of HR reps. Be that ally for others.
Question “good corporate citizen” advice (often the tips your dad/grampa/uncle/nice older man boss gave you at the start of your career). Make sure you’re not giving more consideration than you’re getting.
Rule: Everyone is competing for a limited number of coveted spots, look out for yourself. Also, be a team player.
Corporate culture creates a very tricky cognitive dissonance. You often have to believe everyone is on the same team and your company is being fully transparent while also being encouraged to compete for individual power and accolades in secret side conversations about your colleagues and the bottom line. Head spinning!
How to undermine it:
Align yourself with kindness and talent, not position and power
Establish actual, trusting relationships
Don’t compete, just do your thing. Be your own judge of your value.
If corporate rules focused on dehumanizing yourself and the people around you make you uncomfortable, I hereby grant you permission (absolving myself of all responsibility with this little parenthetical disclaimer right here) to break a couple. Start by finding another woman you think is amazing and telling her you want to be her ally. Work your way up from there.